Want to Stop Being Sexy, Become a Mom

by KIMBERLEY CROUCH

A lot of experts say the best thing parents can give their children is a healthy, happy home with the love of two parents. So why is it that a lot of couples have a hard time keeping it together after the children come along?

Some suggest that when women have children their relationship with their spouse/significant takes a backseat to raising children; they place motherhood over wifeyhood. And a lot of men will tell you that their woman no longer makes herself sexy, preferring sweatpants and jeans to high heels and lingerie.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. But, I also love being a wife. I don’t place any more importance on one than the other. But, as Dr. Phil often tells couples wrestling with whether their child or spouse should come first, “Your children joined your life, you didn’t join theirs.” So couples have to acknowledge that the key to a healthy family is to make sure they have healthy relationships with each other, and not let their children be their sole focus.

As the mom of three boys (one who is a newborn), I recently got to thinking about the importance of nurturing the needs of my husband as much as the needs of my sons. That’s when I came across this wonderful book, Stilettos in the Kitchen. No, it’s not a get-your-groove-on type of book. It’s a really good book about how women can maintain their inner goddess while still being moms and career women. If you’re a mom who has lost touch with her inner sexy, but want to bring it back, then check this book out! I loved it. And I think you will too.

My grandmother once told me that women marry men they want to change, yet men marry women they don’t want to change! I didn’t marry my husband to change him, and that’s ditto for him. Still, there’s no denying that we have changed as we have evolved into our roles as parents. But just as many things have changed, there are some things that shouldn’t, and that’s our commitment to give our best to each other so we can give the same to our children.

What do you think? Do you think women place more emphasis on being moms than wives?

Go HERE to learn more about the book Stilettos in the Kitchen.

About our SingleMomNoMore ContributorKimberley Crouch is the author of Mother to Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration, and Hope for Today's Young African-American Men. To read more about Kim's mother wit, click HERE.

Cougars and Cubs

Am I missing out on love by not dating younger men?

Although I've never been attracted to younger men, I do find that I'm getting approached by them a lot more lately. The problem is, I can't bring myself to go out with one because of my long-held belief that I'm going to meet and fall in love with an Ed Bradley look alike. I've always preferred older--much older--men. But seeing my 40-something relatives take those little blue pills got me rethinking my strategy. Maybe dating a younger man isn't such a bad thing after all.

This captivation with older men is not new. During my early teen years, it was Max Robinson. Maybe I was into afros back then. I'm not sure, because that's certainly not the case now. And most recently it was Ed Bradley. (I'm noticing a journalist pattern forming here.) He was the man of my dreams: gray hair, earring (and I usually don't like men with earrings), confidence. He definitely epitomized sexy to me.

Aside from the attraction to older men, one of the reasons why I can count on one hand the number of younger men I've dated is because we were usually in such different places in our lives emotionally and economically. I had four children by the time I was 21, and separated from my husband when my youngest was only six months. So while I worked feverishly to to build a life for my children as a single mom, I didn't have men my age kicking down my door. And since I wasn't going to settle for a thug or dope feine just because I was a young mother with a lot of kids, I decided to focus on self-development instead of relationships. And as I developed as a woman and mother, and repositioned myself financially and emotionally, I found that I had more in common with older men who already had kids and were more established in their careers.


Max Robinson,
my teenage crush


Ed Bradley was the man
of my dreams.

It's a new day for me. And with all the attention I'm getting from younger men, I'm now asking what is it about 40-year-old women that younger men find so attractive? And why am I now finding them equally attractive?


Halle Berry with beau,
Gabriel Aubrey, who is
almost 10 years her junior


Terry McMillan and the
man she got her groove
back with, Jonathan
Plummer, have a 23-year
age difference


Demi Moore is 16 years
older than her husband,
Ashton Kutcher

Talk to me, what would I have in common with a younger man?

Asking the Necessary Questions

I'm not taking anything for granted when it comes to dating. Since I want marriage, and not just a fling, I'm expecting some uncomfortable, yet necessary conversations in my quest to hang up my single mom title: Are you married? Are you, or have you ever been, on the downlow (a term used to describe men who secretly sleep with other men)? Have you ever had sex with a man? Do you have AIDS, HIV, Herpes or any STD?

This is just a short list of questions that I'll ask my future husband. And, hopefully, he'll have some questions for me. I don't want to be like the couple in the video, where the wife presumes that all men want anal sex. (I have a confession, I, too, thought that was every man's fantasy.) But, I guess instead of assuming, I'll just ask.

High Maintenance, High Standards, or Just High Hopes?

As a 40-something single woman, I'm stepping back onto the dating scene with high hopes and even higher expectations. I'm expecting....err, anticipating a different crop of men than the ones I’ve dated in the past.

Not only have I aged, but I've matured spiritually, financially, and emotionally. And I want a similar level of maturity from my mate.

A big part of getting what I want is first knowing what it is. As part of my maturation, I know that I can't be too picky, so I've relaxed some--not all--of my "rules." There's no compromising those things that are important to me like he MUST be single and have a legitimate source of income, but there is a little more wiggle room on the list:

My future husband must:

• Be a Christian who is actively practicing his faith.


• Be socially conscious, extremely intelligent and a great communicator.


• Be COMPLETELY heterosexual. He cannot be nor ever have been on the downlow. Likewise, he must not have any homosexual tendencies.


• Have direction in his life, know what he wants, and is working to get it. (I can’t follow a parked car.)


• Want a relationship with me, and only me. He must have all of his previous relationship issues resolved.


• Be a non-smoker, and preferably a non-drinker.


• Be financially responsible, including providing for his children, if he has any.


• Pay for the first date...FOR BOTH OF US.

Am I being realistic, or am I still a little too picky?

Where Do I Go From Here?

I recently met a woman after my own heart at the library. She's a 51-year-old mother of two, a daughter with a master's degree who's teaching about 120 miles away from home, and a son who she dropped off at his fourth college campus in September to start his sophomore year.

She talked.

I listened.

I related.

This young mom was laid off from her job earlier this year, and was at the library searching job boards to send out resumes. But, she couldn't complete her tasks because her son kept calling. He needed her to sign papers. He needed her to pick him up. He needed her to follow up on his financial aid. He needed her to keep enabling him just like she was doing.

I got tired just listening to her, as she sat there exasperated that she had a "friend" living with her, along with his 14-year-old daughter who he hadn't registered for school. And as if that wasn't bad enough, her friend had spent the whole night drinking with her son.

I empathized, because I know what it's like to be stuck. I also know what's it's like to give people their problems back.

I'm freer than I've ever been. I can go out on dates without the added pressure of being home by a certain time to get the kids. My career is no longer limited to worrying about who comes first, my job or my kids. I'm discovering new passions and exploring ways to bring them to fruition. My youngest child is 19, and who knew that what should've been a 'woo hoo' moment for me, aka, my time to soar, would turn into me learning how to be single?

For the first time in my life, it's all about me. Now the only question is where do I go from here?